When your History unknowingly becomes your Strategy
“When we’ve seen ourselves completely, there’s a stillness of body that is like a mountain. We no longer get jumpy and scratch our noses, pull our ears, punch somebody, go running from the room, or drink ourselves into oblivion.”
— Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart
Self-awareness and mindfulness can sound like noble ideals… or they may seem like psychobabble gobbledygook. Either way, many people avoid truly knowing themselves because it’s terrifying. Over the last 22 years, I’ve sat with countless brave souls who have dared to explore their inner world. They’ve dug into their personal stories and nervous system patterns in an effort to live more intentionally and effectively. Somewhere along the way, most ask:
“Why the hell am I doing this?”
It’s a good question. The honest answer is: You don’t have to. And many people don’t. They bail early. But here’s the thing: if you want real, lasting change, you have to first understand what’s actually driving your behavior.
Often, we try to shortcut transformation by changing what we do. We get more disciplined; we work out; we eat better; we rest more. These aren’t bad things, but sometimes they just become new ways of avoiding pain. Take the CEO who compulsively stress-eats. He decides to hit the gym and count macros. It works… for a bit. But, if he never examines what’s triggering the stress and anger beneath the surface, he’ll likely just shift into compulsive exercise. The anxiety doesn’t go away; it just gets transferred from food to a gym membership.
Another answer to “Why do this work?” is: Because your story is the only lens you have to navigate your world. Just as you see the physical world with your eyes, you see your current situation through the experiences you’ve lived. Your emotional and relational history and development shape how you interpret situations you find yourself in, your choices, and the way you conduct relationships. If you don’t understand your own internal landscape, then you are living blind, which often causes a lot of frustration, painful failure, and the lack of a clear blueprint for your life.
I often hear, “I don’t need to dig up my past. It’s over. It doesn’t effect me now.”
Neurobiology disagrees.
Our brains are pattern-detecting machines. From childhood, we build schemas (mental models of how the world works and how we’re supposed to move through it). These schemas become automatic, unconscious filters. So, if you grew up in a home where being “good” was rigidly defined and failure led to punishment, then criticism, especially from someone in power, might trigger panic. A CEO hearing negative feedback from her board might unconsciously hear: “You’re about to be fired.” Her nervous system goes into threat mode. She gets defensive. She loses the ability to collaborate or problem-solve in the moment, and she becomes argumentative. The board members, out of their own varied experiences, hear her anger and respond in like manner, devolving the meeting into a war.
From the outside, and even for the CEO herself, this reaction could feel like it came out of nowhere. Maybe she can easily blame the board for how she responded? But, it also came from somewhere inside of her too. The first step to change is becoming aware of what schema this reaction came from, and the second is practicing mindfulness.
Mindfulness helps your body and brain slow down enough to pause, notice, and be open to other interpretations of a situation. It creates flexibility in your brain and body, giving them the ability to choose a response rather than be hijacked by old wiring. It builds mental flexibility and emotional resilience. In the case of the CEO, if she notices her body tense up as she receives feedback and she notices her defensiveness, she can be aware that her reaction may be coming from viewing the board member as similarly rigid as her authorities growing up. She can use a mindful skill in the moment to get a few seconds to separate from her automatic reaction of defensiveness and be open to the possibility that this situation may be different. She calms her body and mind so that she can hear the board and asks clarifying questions. She is able to receive the board’s feedback and adds some of her own ideas as well to figure out the best way forward as an organization.
At first, practices like meditation, breath work, walking, cold plunging, and other forms of mindfulness might feel odd and even seem confusing. But over time, they create new neural pathways and equip you with a different skill set for navigating leadership and life.
In the end, awareness and mindfulness cultivate a kind of still strength — a mountain-like presence that helps you move through an ever-changing world with clarity and integrity.