Toxic Leadership or an Unhinged Nervous System?
He’s just like me. I think, amazed despite the pain. He’s just a grownup boy, stuck in a body, stuck in a life. And his life isn’t working. It’s not working at all. And he’s got no father, his mother can’t understand, he’s got no one to help him fix it.”
David James Duncan’s The Brothers K
This gut-wrenching excerpt chronicles a boy’s realization that his father has not escaped his childhood. His father has grown up, but he has not learned how to make his life work. Out of his confusion and frustration with himself and life, his father vacillates between rage and detachment.
Much has been written (and rightly so) about toxic male bosses and men who are narcissistic leaders. But, what if in this justified indignation and subsequent cancelation, we fail to recognize that executives are first and foremost humans? As humans, they have a nervous system that can become overtaxed to the point of failure as they feverishly struggle to shape and sustain an organization/business while juggling their own internal world and home life that is often just as chaotic.
Leadership is an immense responsibility. It carries with it real, often life changing, implications for employees, investors, and customers alike. The leader is expected to be a master of the technical aspects of their field, read and respond to cultural dynamics, and be omnipotently aware of the market forces. He often spends long hours putting out fires, strategizing long term initiatives, allaying the fears of stakeholders, and fretting over the financials. On top of this, he is expected to do all this with exceptional emotional intelligence (EQ) and consistently appear calm and competent.
Ironically, all of these duties and the requirement to accomplish them with EQ perfection takes a toll on the leader’s nervous system. Each urgent call, email, text, or meeting that demands the leader’s attention and/or expectation to fix or give material direction floods his body with stress hormones and puts his body into the fight or flight mode. When a leader’s nervous system is in fight or flight mode (the sympathetic nervous system) his emotional intelligence is short circuited. This is because it is impossible for a human to respond in an effective interpersonal way if the body is not working out of the parasympathetic nervous system and the leader is at some level of rest.
Consequently, if the leader is not aware of himself and of his internal stress level, he will respond reflexively out of psychological protection. What he needs is an awareness of himself to gauge his nervous system and practices he can use to calm that nervous system so that he can respond from a brain at rest vs one that is anxiously trying to find safety.
This explanation of how an executive’s nervous system can hijack his reaction does not excuse rude or abusive behavior by leaders, but it does require us to pause and ask the question, 1.) Are the leader’s personal neurobiological dynamics/variables impacting his responses? and 2.) Is this leader getting the support that he needs to navigate all of the work and personal stressors he is experiencing?
Leaders are humans. Shame and public verbal retribution will not help them change; it only leads to more protection and isolation. What they need instead is a trusted person(s), who can help them understand what is happing internally, learn to work with their nervous system, and lead from a place of clarity and calm rather than a chronic survival mode.